Growing up.

Growing up. 

A few days ago, I was going through my notes and noticed that I have many incomplete writings. I remember writing something and being carried away without finishing it. I didn't know the reason until a few days back. I realised I was not at peace with myself. I was not happy with myself. And then I perceived the reason for me not being able to make peace with myself. I have lost myself because I couldn't raise my voice against something that has been happening around me for a long time. 

As a kid, I was allowed to go anywhere at any time but with someone accompanying me. I never understood why. As I was growing, I was told that school is the safest place to learn. I did learn many things but I cannot say it was safe. They say that we learn from people. But I deny it. I say we learn from incidents. I saw people bullying people, people calling out names to each other. They might have been fun to some, but not so fun to some others. I have been told that school is a very protective place where I can explore myself. But what I experienced was totally different. I was made to choose between being myself or changing for the sake of society. And what I chose? To change. I changed to fit in.

What came next is more fatal. As I was growing, I saw abuse too. Men abusing girls. Men abusing women. I was quiet. I didn't speak about it to anyone. Rather I told myself that this is how the next few years are going to be. There were days in my schooling where I couldn't take what was happening in the world, where I used to cry my eyes out. There were days where I used to suffer finding a person to talk to. 

I used to think, abuse or assault is the major thing I will have to fight within my near future, to survive. But what I realised lately is that a woman can be dealing with anxiety, toxic environment, pressure, mental illness, period cramps or health issues not just abuse. I wasn't prepared for this. At least not yet. But then again, with the help of few kind people, I survived. 

Then came responsibilities, burden and pressure from within. I was not happy that I am just surviving. Life is not to survive, but it is to live. Am I really living or am I just surviving? And then I realized that I shouldn't try hard to fit in but I should try to be okay with myself. This is the point where I decided to be me. But people didn't stop attacking me. But this time I didn't avoid it, I found a way to deal with it. This is when I became sane and found peace. So don't avoid problems; face them. If you are hurt, keep dealing, healing, learning, growing and moving. 

-SISIRA